My Average Holidays

The big story of June was the marriage of my daughter Victoria to Nathan. No Church because obviously there is no god. No up and down like a whores drawers mouthing hymns nobody knows the words too. No endless guest list of people the bride and groom don’t know. No big country house/hotel for a reception of cold, mediocre food the price of which a Michelin Star Restaurant would be embarrassed to charge. It seems to me that if you attach the word ‘wedding’ to something it gives you carte blanche to charge whatever you like. The average cost of a wedding in the UK is £25,000! Just think about that. 25 grand for one day! I personally think that’s obscene.

My initial idea that they get married on a cruise ship so I could have a holiday at the same time was dismissed. What we did instead was a 30 minute ceremony at the local registry office with a guest list of people that the bride and groom actually knew and liked. They also got a scroll with this option which is cool. We then all went to a local village hall which we’d decorated the day before with the aid of some amazing friends and family. The food was a help yourself buffet that could have fed 3 times as many people and absolutely nobody went away hungry. Not even the vegans. The biggest single expense was Victoria’s dress and whilst, as a man, I don’t understand spending that much on an outfit for one day I don’t begrudge her and she did look beautiful in it. This wedding did cost thousands but not tens of thousands and probably in no small part because of that everyone had a loverly, happy, stress free day which is what a wedding should be.

Just as a quick aside I would like to thank everyone involved. Be it setting up the hall the day before, everyone who helped, after the happy couple had gone, to tidy up the hall and pack everything away or quite frankly, just being there. I was fully expecting to spend the entirety of the next day cleaning but because of peoples generosity of spirit and mucking in we were pretty much done the same day. All that was left to do was a spot of vacuuming and cleaning and taking away the rubbish. I’m not a sentimental man but I don’t mind telling you I shed a little tear when I got the hall deposit back.

Lyn had the rest of the week off ostensibly to recover from the wedding. After seeing the happy couple off to Prague we had a free day. We are trying to do ‘cheap’ days out so we got in the car, got a meal deal and headed for Knightshayes a National Trust Property near Tiverton Devon. The last time we’d been there was 2018. A different world when we both still had dark(ish) hair.

Our plan for a cheap day out was scuppered because the first thing we did was have coffee and cake. I compare this to Lyn getting a passport stamp and a pin. You can’t go to a NT property without trying the cake. My diabetes may say differently but it can do one. We also may have bought some tat in the gift shop but this is us just doing our bit to support the NT.

After exploring the house and grounds it was time for our meal deal. Lyn seems to think I’m a complete raspberry these days so instead of us both going back to the car for the cool bag she insisted I sit on a bench in the sun while she went. I didn’t put up much of a fight. I was quite happy on the bench warming my bones but we’d bought a picnic blanket from Lidl the other day and Lyn wanted to try it out. I also think she just wanted a laugh watching me try and get down on the blanket and then the more tricky task of getting back up.

The following day was our pre-planned event. The wedding didn’t count. Mary, my mother-in-law, is also a fan of trains so as a treat for us after the wedding she booked for us to go on the Dartmouth Steam Railway And River Boat Company. It’s the other side of the county, a couple of hours away so we had an early start. This was a genius idea because we got there before everyone else which meant we were first in the queue for the Pullman Observation Carriage and had the prime spot right at the back. This cost an extra £3pp for one way and was on a first come first served basis. Worth the price and getting up early. The only thing I will say is pick your day and time because you are sat in a glass box with no open windows or AC and it can get very warm.

The train runs between Paignton and Kingswear, about a 30 minute ride, and then a very short ferry ride over to Dartmouth. When we’d booked this we also purchased a drivers hat as a surprise for Mary who barely took it off for the entire trip. Dartmouth is very pretty and definitely needs a return visit. To get a full feel of the train ride and trip I recommend watching the video below.

Quite frankly that was enough for June. I’ve not even mentioned my new ‘medically recommended’ £160 trainers and the fact they squeak like Monty Pythons Mouse Organ! Anyway we’re truly into summer now. I know this because Lyn won’t let me put the air con unit on in the house. We need to be a bit more selective for our days out soon as it’s Grockle season and the West Country population increases 3 fold.